There are a range of ways you might have tried to acknowledge your child’s efforts and successes in potty training, from external rewards like snacks or star charts to sharing the news with loved ones.  But what if your child recoils from praise?  What’s the alternative?

shyness

Discovering that your child doesn’t respond to traditional forms of praise can feel perplexing but it’s likely that they have a shy temperament, and when we consider it from this perspective, it’s easier to understand why praise is problematic.

Imagine feeling that you just don’t want anyone to notice you? Imagine being a person who wants to blend into the background and get on quietly by themselves. Perhaps you are a bit like this, and hate the spotlight? Being shy can manifest in various ways and may cause a range of challenges in social situations. Some common struggles include difficulty communicating needs verbally, avoidance of social situations, trouble with making friends, and feeling low self-esteem and confidence. If you are shy, or know someone who is shy, you will understand how isolating it can be. It can also cause anxiety, especially if the shy person is worried about what others might think of them. They may ‘pretend’ or ‘mask’ their authentic selves, just to feel they can fit in, and this is tiring. If this represents your child it can be hard to know how best to help them understand how well they are doing, and how proud you are of them without making them uncomfortable.

potty training

Potty training is in itself a complex process(involving over 40 different skills), and can be a challenging process for even the most capable child. It also concerns an intimate and very personal aspect of being human. Toddlers begin to realise that other people have separate thoughts and feelings, and can start to experience emotions such as shame or embarrassment from an early age. Because potty training often involves making mistakes, this can be challenging for a child who is shy. They may struggle to let anyone know they need help, or they may withhold or avoid weeing/pooing to avoid having to do this. When they do succeed, how you respond is really important.

when they succeed

If you know your shy child is sensitive to praise, it’s likely because they don’t want to be in the spotlight. They don’t want everyone looking at them, thinking about what they have done. Open praise such as clapping, telling other people and offering high-5’s can also create a sense of pressure for your child, who may feel that they now have no room for mistakes. This can be especially true if the success happened ‘accidentally’ or without true engagement from the child, as they may feel uncertain they can do it again,  and therefore worried that you will be disappointed if they don’t keep it up. Also, the more you make a big deal out of it, the more you risk blowing out the little flame of self-confidence they may be nurturing.

what to do

When your child cooperates, or succeeds with an aspect of potty training, it’s OK to tell them how proud you are of them and how you have noticed their accomplishment. Try doing it quietly, e.g. one on one where you say that you are so proud of them and thank them for doing so well. One-on-one praise, using words, is much more low-key and less overwhelming than a big song and dance. Sometimes, whispering it in their ear brings a sense of connection and privacy that they may be craving, alongside your validation.

Your child may like to celebrate in a low-key way, where they recognise what they did well for themselves, and have the chance to feel their own accomplishments. They need to recognise it for themselves and internalise the prideful feeling that success brings. So you might say something a bit after the event or later that day,  like “you know, I’m really proud of the way you did X today, it made me see how well you are doing with potty training” or something to that effect.

If it feels important to you to share their success with others, consider that it is not necessary to do this in front of your child. If they want to tell others, they will find a way. If you feel they need a little help to get over the initial ‘reporting of success’ to others, but that they do want to do this, I suggest asking them beforehand if they would like your help, and then agree how you will do it with them. This gives them the chance to control the narrative, consent to who is told, and can be very empowering.

take away

Your child absolutely does want your praise and acknowledgement, but you must do it in a way that won’t overwhelm them.

ps: A note on sweets, stickers, start charts and ‘external’ rewards

Here is a video about using external rewards, or you can read my blog Potty Training Without The Sticker Charts.